I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
