he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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