He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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