So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I checked into jail on foursquare
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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