I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
