the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
