people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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