dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
