mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
