dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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