i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
