You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
