My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
