Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
