I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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