The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
