i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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