He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
