I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Randomize
