Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
