We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
