3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
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