If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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