oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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