I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
