fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
