I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
