dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
