do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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