Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
