My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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