Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
