Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
