Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
