apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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