So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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