i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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