Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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