I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
