Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
