I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
