apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
