My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
