I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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