Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
All the doctor said was why
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
