wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
