This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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