im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
