So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
