drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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