Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
